PARTNERS

KEY THINGS TO REMEMBER

Discovering that your husband or wife uses porn can be devastating. For many partners, the emotional impact of the discovery initiates symptoms of trauma and can even lead to ‘Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder’. Often referred to as “betrayal trauma”, these symptoms can require specialist support and help and can take months or years to fully heal.

Forgiveness is part of the healing process, but it can only happen when there has been an opportunity to create emotional and physical safety in the relationship and to grieve the losses experienced by the partner. Trying to push for forgiveness prematurely is counterproductive and will delay healing.

The experience will be hard for the spouse whether the addict enters recovery or not. The spouse will need their own support and healing regardless of the addict’s journey. Marriage counselling may be appropriate once both parties are stable in their healing and recovery. 

TOP 3 RESOURCES

XXXPOSED HEARTS

This is Naked Truth’s online, confidential peer support group for female partners of porn and sex addicts. The group is a safe space to share, ask questions and say the things that you may have no other outlet for. It is a genuine community of empathy, safety, support and friendship. To join, visit Naked Truth’s website www.nakedtruthproject.com/wh-peer-forum

SEX ADDICTION: THE PARTNERS PERSPECTIVE, PAULA HALL

Written to help partners and those who care about them to survive the shock of discovering that their partner is a sex addict, this book explores the myths surrounding sex addiction, provides practical help and focuses on rebuilding trust and reclaiming sexuality.

YOUR SEXUALLY ADDICTED SPOUSE, STEFFENS AND MEANS

This book helps partners to process their pain using first-hand accounts revealing the impact of addiction. Chapters end with application questions and propose new paths that lead from trauma to empowerment, health, and hope. 

ONLINE RESOURCES

WWW.BTR.ORG

Betrayal Trauma Recovery provides a list of counsellors, coaches and specialists who have been trained in the area of betrayal trauma. There are various resources available to partners that can be found on this website. 

WWW.COVENANTEYES.COM

Covenant Eyes provide Internet Accountability and filtering software but also have a comprehensive collection of blogs and articles tackling the issue of pornography from a Christian perspective. These blogs are easy to read and provide a respite for partners who feel alone.

WWW.COSA-RECOVERY.ORG OR WWW.S-ANON-UK.ORG

These Twelve Step recovery programs (and others) are for men and women whose lives have been affected by compulsive sexual behaviour. Local groups meet to share experiences, strength, and hope while working the Twelve Steps 

BOOKS

BEYOND BETRAYAL: HOW GOD IS HEALING WOMEN AND COUPLES FROM INFIDELITY, LISA TAYLOR

This christian book interweaves the stories of betrayed wives - including the author’s personal story - with the latest research on sexual addiction and partner trauma. It offers clear, realistic guidance on how to move forward in the healing God has for a partner and tackles difficult issues such as anger, creating boundaries and forgiveness.

STOP SEX ADDICTION: REAL HOPE, TRUE FREEDOM FOR SEX ADDICTS AND PARTNERS, MILTON MAGNESS

A comprehensive guide to dealing with sex addiction in a marriage and discussing the proven ways of treating the addiction and finding healing for the partner. Written by a certified sex addiction therapist, it offers a ‘no-nonsense’ approach to recovery and healing.

SURVIVING DISCLOSURE, J.P SCHNEIDER & M. DEBORAH CORLEY

This book offers a step-by-step guide for how to begin the healing process, prepare for the impact of living with an addict (even an addict in recovery) and how to deal with shame, anger and fear. The book describes what to tell children and others, how to promote self-care and well-being no matter what the addict does, and how to set boundaries as part of rebuilding trust.

DON’T CALL IT LOVE: HELPING THE SEXUAL ADDICT, DR. PATRICK CARNES

This very practical resource identifies the stages and progression of addiction, including assessment, intervention and treatment methods, as well as covering topics such as family, bonding, boundaries and recovery.

FACING HEARTBREAK: STEPS TO RECOVERY FOR PARTNERS OF SEX ADDICTS, DR STEFANIE CARNES

This book weaves real life stories with practical therapeutic advice and offers specific tasks that gently educate, empower and guide the partner of a sex addict through a process of recovery.

RESTORED: TRUE STORIES OF LOVE AND TRUST AFTER PORN, MATT AND CAMERON FRADD

This book contains ten honest, hard-hitting accounts of real couples whose lives were shattered by the destructive effects of porn but, because of God’s grace is stronger, were able to find healing, hope, renewed trust and restored intimacy.

HOPE AFTER BETRAYAL, MEG WILSON

This book offers reassuring counsel, compassionate insight and wise discretion whilst guiding readers through steps to recovery.

RESCUED: A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING AND THRIVING AFTER SEXUAL BETRAYAL, SHELLY MARTINKUS

Through her own experience as the wife of a sex addict, the author takes women through a recovery process using a comprehensive workbook discussing integrity, addiction, triggers, forgiveness and insecurities and offers hope, healing and freedom to women.

Ian Henderson